In just the past twenty-four hours I've: had a truly connected conversation on the telephone with someone who attended my peer support group not that long ago; attended a singing class; managed to get myself out of my flat and go for a walk in lovely weather; bought some beautiful olive bread; received some great news about a friend of mine who has been short-listed for an award for which she was nominated by me; did a good deed for two strangers when I was out. It would be odd if, in light of all of this, you did not believe that I was enjoying a happy and fulfilling life. The harsh reality, however, is that I feel the weight of an oppressive heavy black cloud right in front of me which doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast. This cloud has a name, the true scale and intensity of which many don't fully understand unless they've experienced it themselves: depression.
A few weeks ago I was at an evening games night. This was a social event at a coffee shop where there were people playing some games, having a drink and just generally having a good time. There were some familiar faces at the tables scattered around the room and the bar area. I went and sat with some folk who I was acquainted with who were playing Jenga. I joined in and stayed with them until the end. I enthusiastically engaged with everyone, joking around and generally immersed myself in the fun and banter that filled the air. At the end of the evening, as I stepped out of the premises, I was met by my friend with whom I was all too familiar: the burgeoning nimbostratus in all its grandeur!
Last week I was having coffee with another newly acquired friend in-the-making from my peer support group. She bravely disclosed to me that she'd suffered from a condition that she referred to as "hidden" or "smiling" depression. She explained that this is where the sufferer endures the symptoms of depression internally but puts on a brave face to the outside world. The smiles seen by others on the outside mask the turmoil taking place on the inside. The games night fun exhibited was no more than a facade for the dark clouds gathering.
When I dissect all the things that, on the face of it, should make me feel good, but do the total opposite, I begin to see why. I don't have many friends and feel lonely. I go along to social events to meet new people. There were several people at the games night, and one in particular, who I wanted to connect with. I did indulge in the fun going on but the reality is that social anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) formed an impenetrable barrier between myself and others. I didn't connect with anyone and I ended up leaving at the end of the night empty-handed. A sense of failure of opportunity, a mourning and regret of unforged connections, a frustration of being encumbered with anxiety and OCD: these were storm clouds that were brewing.
The conversation with a newly acquired friend where I felt so connected should again, on the face of it, be a source of ensuing joy and enrichment. We spent almost two hours on the 'phone last night. We spoke about our lives, things that have happened to us and how we feel about so many things. We were on the same wavelength on absolutely everything! Our personalities matched on every conceivable psychometric barometer, from Myers-Briggs to attachment styles. We were a mirror image of each other! Our reflective empathy clearly demonstrated a fully tuned-in synchronisation of our emotional antennae.
On dissection, things start to unravel. Since the call I've been afflicted with thoughts that I'm not good enough for this absolutely lovely individual to waste their time with, that I might not turn out to be as good a friend as she'd expected, that I may have said something during the call that wasn't accurate or honest, that she may get bored with me, that I might do or say something that might hurt her, that I might lose her as a friend, that she may never want to talk to me ever again. Anxiety around maintaining a newly found and meaningful friendship and fear of loss, rejection, abandonment and grief have manifested themselves without hesitation, straight off the bat: yet another cloud of agony and despair.
The weather forecast for the foreseeable future is that it will be overcast with some downpours of rain and occasional thunderstorms. There is still hope though: there will be intermittent sunny spells and maybe, some time in the future, the black clouds of depression may dissipate into the ether.
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