Authenticity and the Life of Dogs

 The world is full of broken people inflicting their brokenness on others.

~ Dannie-Lu Carr

 
Earlier this year my psychotherapist reflected back to me my need for authenticity. This was within the context of wanting to be liked and accepted as the "real" me, without having to present a refracted image of my true self. My reckoning was that external acceptance of a portrayal of an imagined self serves only to connect with a facade. The real self remains in a void, remote and disconnected. I had explained I just wanted to be me, to not have to try and be someone or something that I was not, and to be accepted in that way. This means being aware of thoughts and feelings, acknowledging them, and being open about them. Allowing our emotions to surface and then naming them, rather than pushing them back or deflecting them away, allows congruence with our inner reality. This fosters integrity which makes us more wholesome human beings. I believe that this is the only way that human connection can have real meaning.  To me, this is what it means to be authentic. I had explained this thinking in one of my sessions. I clearly remember my therapist nodding at the time, perhaps in agreement or maybe just to indicate he was listening.

Authenticity is a topic that comes up regularly at Talk & Listen, my peer support group. It's interesting to see how this is something that seems to resonate with so many people. Some time ago somebody new started coming to the group sessions. This person, who I shall call "Mark", talked at length about how important authenticity was to him. I remember him explaining that it was one of the values that he lives his life by and that he believed honesty was essential to fostering good relationships. He had shared a story about how a small group of people had not acted with honesty and authenticity towards him and that he had felt betrayed, depressed and upset as a result. Members of the group, myself included, offered emotional support and at the end of the session he said that he felt much better as he felt he had been heard and understood. 

Most people generally acknowledge that authenticity is an essential ingredient for living a good and meaningful life, whether or not they practice what they believe. It's such a fundamental part of human connection and one that becomes apparent very early on in life. Six year olds are pretty clued up on it even at that age! Here's a quote from one such child that views this from their perspective:   

Post-It note by a six-year old

Last Saturday I met up in a coffee shop with someone I've got to know from my support group. We had lots to talk about, including our experience of the group. My friend remarked how well it seemed to be going and how it seemed that everyone who comes along always feels that they really benefit from it. I then told her about a situation that had stunned me and left me feeling quite anxious and upset. A recent meeting had not seemed different in any particular way to any other. I always conclude the meetings with a go-round at the end asking everyone how it was for them. One of the regular attendees said that he had enjoyed coming along again and had got a lot out of the session, just as he had said on all of his previous attendances. This person was Mark. After I formally concluded the meeting, he even stayed behind for about a further half hour to chat with myself and a few others who had also decided to hang around for a bit, before leaving as normal and saying that he looked forward to coming along again next time.                     

"Meetup" is the main platform I use to advertise the group. They introduced a rating facility some time ago where people can leave a star rating and additional feedback of events that they attend. The additional feedback comprises some tick boxes and free text where people can describe their views in their own words. I have always felt pleased and reassured to see that where people have left feedback for my support group meetings it has always been at the five star level with corresponding feedback. Mark's rating, however, when I saw it later that evening, left me in shock and utter disbelief. He had rated the session with just two stars, and ticked boxes to state that the meeting was "not as described", "not engaging", "had no impact" and that he had a "problem with host". He had left the free text box blank, so provided no clue as to why he chose to leave such incredibly negative feedback. He had said nothing other than how useful and engaging the session had been whilst he was there but then left feedback that completely contradicted this.

Meetup Rating and Feedback

 

The support group operates on a peer-to-peer basis where we all support each other. I am just the same as everyone else who attends, with my own anxieties and insecurities. I recall vividly that during the meeting in question I had explained that I was feeling particularly anxious and that my confidence had taken a knockback. I too was asking for support and understanding in making the effort to organise, turn up and run the session despite being in a frazzled state. I remember Mark saying during the session that he felt I was "doing a great job". It's not possible to get inside Mark's mind and identify the causes of his subsequent behaviour. He had made a point of explaining at a previous meeting how important authenticity was to him and how the actions of others who had not been authentic with him had left him feeling. At this most recent session he said he enjoyed and benefitted from taking part but then left pretty toxic feedback, and without offering any explanation as to why. 

Mark has been one of the more outspoken members of the group. He isn't someone who seems to have much trouble in getting his points across or speaking his mind. If indeed he had issues with the meeting he had plenty of opportunity to let me know after it had formally ended during which time he stayed behind to chat. He also had a free text box where he could have offered some explanation but left this blank. I told someone else I know about the feedback and they said they thought that Mark was clearly dishonest and that he'd had plenty of opportunity to talk about the meeting if he'd felt he wasn't happy for some reason. She also said I shouldn't take it personally. However, the dishonesty and the "problem with host" don't really allow much room to see it any other way. My coffee shop friend was as baffled as I was. She said she couldn't understand why he would leave such negative feedback, especially as he would have been aware what harm and distress it would cause me personally. The hugely inspirational and insightful Dannie-Lu Carr, who I've worked with in the past, sums things up perfectly: "The world is full of broken people inflicting their brokenness on others".

There is one final bit of the Meetup feedback where attendees are asked the question "Would you attend again?". Mark responded "No".

Notes And Reflections From Talk & Listen

As you will by now likely be aware, I set up and voluntarily run a peer support group (Talk & Listen) where people experiencing emotional difficulties can come to meet others in similar situations, talk through their issues and receive support in the form of feedback, reflection and empathic understanding through the others in the group and from myself. There are a few people that come regularly and there are always also some new people at every meeting. I usually have around ten people attending in total and they are generally different personalities, from different backgrounds and in fact the group is always very diverse drawing from all aspects of the protected characteristics of the Equalities Act 2010!

Everybody is welcome without any hesitation and I always try and ensure everyone feels safe and comfortable due to the nature of the group. It's a fairly fluid set up, apart from my introduction where I briefly outline some basic requirements and expectations in that the group works non-judgementally, that all personal aspects of the group remain confidential, that we are mindful and sensitive and that we try as much as possible to refrain from giving advice. I suggest that feedback can take the form of empathic reflection to make speakers who share their stories feel heard and understood or that it can be in the form of thoughts that can help the speaker with self-awareness and insight.

On the positive side, it mostly works well. Some people who share their feelings do get some good support and seem to really appreciate this although not everybody shares their issues at every meeting. I leave it optional for people depending on how they feel. On a less positive note, however, I have noticed that, occasionally, if someone is speaking I may switch off for a few seconds and my mind can wonder. I am not sure why this happens but I think in the main it's because I have so many anxieties of my own that my thoughts sporadically flick to them. Clearly this would be unacceptable in a one-to-one therapeutic relationship but even in a group it is not good. Somehow though, when I do find that I lose my concentration for a brief moment, I rely on most of the other people in the group to be listening and this takes a bit of the pressure off. It doesn't happen much though, but it is something I need to work towards reducing as much as possible.

I've reflected on the core counselling skills from a counselling course I've recently finished and have found that these are seeping into my peer support group. I am more aware of reflection, paraphrasing and challenging, for example, and this adds an additional, therapeutic angle to the group albeit not in any formal or advanced way, but at least it does sometimes help to generate greater insight for someone who may be sharing their story. Last week's meeting seemed particularly impactful on most of those that came along. On that day, three people shared some particularly distressing issues that were life-changing for them. One talked about his lack of connection with another group of people and explained that two people from that group had turned against him. He explained that he felt hurt and betrayed and lost as to what to do. His emotional pain was recognisable and, whilst he did not display any strong emotion during his sharing of his story, he did describe that he had been detrimentally affected by the experience.

A second person in the group described how his wife had become narcissistic and had "tried" to "destroy" him and their marriage. His love for their two young daughters is the only thing that stopped him from self-harm and potential suicide. He became visibly emotional during the recounting of his story and, as I write, I am finding that I am right now becoming emotional and tearful myself. I am finding it interesting to observe my own emotional reaction to that of someone else at a different place and time; it feels like I am experiencing his emotional pain in the here and now. It seems to me that human emotion is incredibly contagious (as it is for most animals, too), even when separated by space and time, unless one is detached from it through psychopathy or sociopathy.

The third person in the group who described another life-changing issue talked about her partner cheating on her, then making her feel like the guilty party as if it was because of her that he had been unfaithful, and the continual gaslighting that she had always endured but did not realise at the time. Despite this she was still with her partner and seemed to have a desire to try and make the relationship work. She too was visibly distressed. I tried to use my own abilities of empathic understanding to acknowledge how she felt but then attempted to make some use of techniques I picked up from when I was in counselling as well as techniques and skills picked up from my course, to question and challenge her values and beliefs. I really wanted her to see that she may have options that she had not considered or that she was too scared to face.

I desperately felt the need for her to be able to leave the peer support group at the end of the meeting with some tangible thoughts that would allow her some insight and self-reflection; I wanted her to be in a stronger position to make the right choices for herself. I did find myself building up some virtual hatred for her abusive husband, even though I'd never met him or heard his side of the story. I find this too an interesting observation, in that it does not seem humanly possible to remain detached from personal feelings that come up. I wonder whether this indicates internal congruence and authenticity in which case such a lack of detachment is perhaps not to be considered a bad thing. There may be a downside, however, in that persistent lack of detachment from big and strong emotions may lead to a build up of internal conflict, stress and anxiety.

Once we become aware of our internalised feelings, those that cause us distress in our current lives, we no longer need to act them out (in destructive, unhealthy ways). This is a concept that is dealt with and used extensively in psychodynamic therapy¹. It makes me wonder whether bringing the stories of the beholders at my peer group into their conscious awareness allows them to acknowledge their feelings and integrate them into the present, thereby achieving some level of catharsis of which the strong emotional response observed is a symptom.

¹ Counselling Directory, How is Psychodynamic Counselling Different to Psychoanalysis?, available at: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/psychodynamic-counselling-1; accessed on 21/11/2023

Lincoln's Inn Fields On Saturday Afternoon

Saturday afternoons have recently become a permanent fixture in my diary. This is when I run my weekly peer support group sessions in central London. I've been using a relatively quiet and comfortable space for the purpose at City Lit, an adult education college. When I arrived at the venue yesterday and walked up to the automatic glass doors they didn't open. City Lit was closed. My intended first port of call on arrival had been the desperate use of the loo. Compounding this urinary urgency was the immediate realisation that my cohort of peer group attendees would be arriving shortly with nowhere to be accommodated.

A newbie was the first to arrive. As it turns out she knew no English; our entire communication was conducted via Google translate on her mobile accompanied with a heavier-than-usual reliance on non-verbal communication. She shared some personal information for which I won't go into any detail to preserve confidentiality, suffice to simply say that she recently had to come to a foreign country, where she knew nobody, didn't speak the language and felt isolated. She had found my peer support group online and she was now standing right in front of me, her fixated gaze seeking solace.

One by one, the other attendees started to materialise, a mixture of regulars and first-timers. One such of the latter seemed hesitant and expressionless. I immediately sensed that they were not of the type who are naturally comfortable with new people or in groups. Whilst trying to welcome everybody as they arrived, I made several attempts to engage with my cautious newcomer. I wanted to make her feel included and to try and allay any social anxieties she may have had at least to some extent so that she would feel a little bit more comfortable within the group.

The warm and sunny weather helped Lincoln's Inn Fields, the local park, to quickly make its way onto the radar as a good enough alternative from which we could run the day's session. We neatly placed ourselves in a circle on the grass on arrival and commenced proceedings with a short introduction of the session, mainly for the benefit of newcomers, followed by briefly introducing ourselves to each other. At this point we would normally start to share our own personal stories for which we would find peer feedback useful in helping us with our thoughts and feelings. 

The session did not unfold quite as expected. The social anxiety may have been too much for our hesitant member; she got up and left, followed not long after by our non-English speaking friend. Following on from this, the sharing and feedback was superseded by a wider conversation, itself meaningful and engaging, but not quite the level of peer support intended. Perhaps the environment wasn't quite right; there were groups of people scattered around everywhere, noisily drinking and laughing; there were two barbeques on the go with smoke everywhere; children playing football and screaming, with joy I think; a woman throwing a big stick which her Golden Retriever would diligently run and fetch for her. 

We just went with the flow and had a pleasant afternoon! Our discussion was deep enough and fostered a connection through shared experience. There was a therapeutic element to the session. Maybe it can still count as peer support! But perhaps not so for the two participants that prematurely disbanded. I thought about them afterwards and puzzled as to what else I or anyone else could have done to help them feel more at ease. I was overshadowed by a feeling of guilt; a sense of failure. I questioned the very essence of my ability to even be running a peer support group. Perhaps there was nothing further that could have been done; maybe my peer support group just wasn't right for them. It must be of use to some people though as they do come back!

There's a fine line between lame attempts to console myself and true reality of a situation. I like to believe my intentions are worthy; I want to help as many other people as possible and perhaps must learn to accept that I just can't help everyone. It is not my responsibility to do so and equally I probably ought to be aware that I do have a responsibility to help myself, something which I often forget. There was a lot to reflect on but in the meantime I really needed to find a toilet.

Talk & Listen Sessions

What we’re about

Talk and Listen Sessions

Description

Feeling the need to talk about a troubling issue, share something that's playing on your mind or simply have something you'd like to talk about? You can do so in our small, informal and friendly group. This is a safe, compassionate and non-judgemental space.

You can take part for free as I don't charge for running these sessions. I use Meetup to manage the actual events. You can sign up for free here:

Talk & Listen

We actively and empathically listen to each person. We try and help the speaker identify and explore their feelings and needs if they would like this. We do not offer each other advice but can offer thoughts to help the speaker gain greater insight.

Everyone who wants to speak will have opportunities to do so and anyone wanting to just listen, empathise and provide feedback is welcome to do so. The talking and the listening are equally important!

A deeper human connection is sought during the session so that people can feel heard and understood with feedback from other members.

Format

We follow an informal but considered way of sharing the space. We use ideas drawn from mentoring, psychotherapy, empathic listening and non-violent communication. Although this may seem a bit like group therapy it is not a formal therapy session. It is not suitable for anyone in crisis or requiring urgent help.

It is more informal, friendly and will involve some discussion in the group, where we can all share our own thoughts and feelings on the issues raised. We will also expand to a more general conversation about some of the subjects that come up and related topics.

The format is more "cafe conversation" rather than "therapy room analysis". The aim is to meet with people in a space encouraging deeper, authentic and meaningful connection compared to, say, a social night out in a pub or a bar where the expectation might be more on "small talk" and "banter" (although that's good too, just a different kind of event!).

Discussion Sessions

I'm also going to arrange some group discussion events where we will have an opportunity to talk about various issues.

These might include subjects such as personal growth, motivation, existentialism, psychoanalytic concepts, human connection, social psychology, emotional intelligence, traumatic experience, positive living, anxiety, depression, happiness and fulfilment, humanity and society, and other topics members wish to bring to the group.

Other Sessions and Events

I may also invite guest facilitators or speakers or arrange visiting events run by other groups or organisations that may be relevant and of interest. These might include seminars, classes etc.

Please feel free to make suggestions of things you may like to be involved in. All of this will take time to evolve and develop as this is a new group and I am trying to find a suitable path for it for the benefit of members.