So it turns out that we are not just individual human beings freely weaving our meandering path through life. Individually, we are the sum of infinitely many parts and, in turn, are a part of something infinitely bigger than ourselves. Absolutely everything is connected and influences everything else; nobody exists in isolation. Even the tiniest sub-atomic particle is entwined with another, even if separated in distance by the entire expanse of the universe. When it moves, the particle with which it is entwined is compelled to move in a corresponding way. The two particles are entangled; one cannot exist without the other and each influences the other continually at the exact same time.
As I started to type this sentence, I had a conscious thought to do so. This thought was influenced by factors that are hidden from me and buried in my unconscious. My unconscious is a continually changing secret reservoir that has accumulated information over time from the moment of its conception. Everything I have seen, heard, tasted, experienced from the very beginning formed the basis of the neural pathways in the brain. These continually influence the messages being sent throughout my entire physical and psychological being. An experience of absolute fear at the age of one, an encounter of unbridled dread at two, a panic-stricken episode at three; all contribute to how the neural networks are constructed. Every experience adds to how the response to all future stimuli is determined, whether fight, flight or freeze.
An experience of joy and happiness at age one, an encounter of warm and fuzzy human interaction at two, an exciting episode of smiles and laughter at three is equally influential to future development, but the end result contrasts sharply to that moulded by experiences that are polar opposites; we fight, flight or freeze in completely different ways. Whatever choices we make are based on what's already happened. If
different things had happened to us, if we had experienced the world
around us differently, particularly during our early formative years
when our brains were a blank canvas and at their most malleable, then we
would be making altogether different choices. I was recently reading about two brothers. One was a convicted serial murderer;
the other a successful professional with a house and family leading a fulfilling life. The
contrasting life path was well explained by their different upbringing.
The one that had killed people had endured suffering and torment through
neglect and abuse as a small child; the brother able to lead a happy life had been
nurtured with love, care and attention.
We are the result of our development and everything that happens to us, physically and mentally, is the outcome of infinitely many moving parts all working together and influencing each other. We are the sum of the parts of our own internal and intricately-woven entanglement. The cause of many physical ailments that manifest themselves in the body are deeply rooted in the mind through an infinitely complex relationship that is in a continual state of flux. This is a product of the developmental
experiences that we have encountered, whether fruitful or traumatic,
particularly in early childhood. The body does not forget trauma. The
blood blisters that turn into excruciatingly painful ulcers that I have
in my mouth and on my tongue, which have been making it virtually
impossible to drink or eat over the past few days, are not a random
occurrence. They can be traced to psychological trauma from decades
back.
In my blog post yesterday I wrote that my efforts for human connection are met with indifference. I knowingly suggested that my social skills may lie somewhere towards the dysfunctional end of the competency scale and that my vibe might not conjure up the desire in others to wish to get a little closer and find out more. I didn't develop these skills when I was young because opportunities to do so were tainted with toxicity. Throughout my early life the messages that I perceived from my experiences adversely affected the evolving image of myself and my place in the world and instilled a deep-rooted belief that I was inadequate. I simply wasn't worthy of enjoying happy moments. I grew up with an imbalanced view of the world, always on edge and filled with anxiety to the brim when faced with any potential human interaction. Loneliness is an affliction that gnaws at the soul. I don't want to be alone, weird or undesirable. Trying to do something about it takes a lot of effort and it's not something that comes naturally to me as it does for some people.
Thoughts, feelings and behaviours are critically and directly influenced by the past. So whilst there is such a thing as free will, it's pre-determined by the events that have gone before. I may want to go out and meet people, to connect and feel good, to make friends, and my free will means I can choose to try and live my life in this way. But my free will is steeped in its own experiential neuro-biological history which gives rise to the dodgy vibe that acts as an effective repellent. It hides in the unconscious but dynamically controls the conscious which is why it is not possible to become a fundamentally different human being to the one that we are. It doesn't mean there are no ways to make any changes though. Even if they might end up being relatively small they might still be enough.
There is hope through trying to make the right choices, realigning our thoughts with where we want to be and seeking out approaches for self-development and well-being. I might be completely knotted up within my own entanglement; I just need to find the beginning of the thread.
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