When I write these posts I don't start off with any plan. I just start writing and see where it takes me. There's a cathartic and self-reflective element to this process as well as a touch of excitement; because I don't know what I'm going to end up writing about I can't wait to see what unfolds during the process and what the end result will be. I am just as much in the dark as you, the reader! Sometimes I find that insight and excitement can come from the most unexpected and mundane of places. So I'll just start writing about the day I've had and see how that pans out and what nuggets of awareness I might uncover!
Woke up having once again been put through the mill of insomnia. This is a long-standing and ongoing affliction for which I have yet to find a remedy. I've just finished thirty days' worth of 5-HTP (hydroxytryptophan), a herbal remedy that induces the body to create serotonin which then gets converted to melatonin which should better regulate the body clock's sleep cycle mechanisms. That was the promise at the time of purchase but one that this particular herb failed to live up to. I might as well have been swallowing pills of powdered cabbage (if anything, they might even have been better as they would have at least provided some vitamin K).
The lack of sleep results in fatigue throughout the day and general irritability. Compounding this, I was acutely aware first thing this morning of an onset of temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ or TMD), the symptoms of which include pain around the teeth affected, an onset of tinnitus, a feeling of stuffed ear as if it's blocked up with gunge or submerged underwater at five-hundred metres, probably, intermittent sharp shooting pain in the ear and a particularly debilitating very loud popping, grinding and cracking which happens almost randomly leaving me too scared to open my mouth (some might argue that's not a bad thing!). This is a real discouragement to eating, which funnily enough is a bit of a problem, and because of the fear of the loud cracks and pops I try and stop myself yawning, which I do a lot of due to lack of sleep and, worse still, sneezing, which often somehow encorporates both the element of surprise and inability to suppress and is thus accompanied by a pop that sounds like a firework going off in my ear. It's rather disconcerting to say the least.
The TMJ is the result of a bit of dental work on a molar that probably didn't go as it should; it created a malocclusion (dental speak for misalignment of teeth) which then led to an accumulation of problems, TMJ being the latest iteration. On the plus side though, at least I'm learning new words that people might be impressed with if I casually slip them into the conversation; if someone ever mentions toothache in future, such as on the bus, in Cafe Nero or at a party for example, I might respond with "Ah yes, it sounds like that may be the result of a temporomandibular dysfunction arising from a malocclusion; oh and by the way, have you ever tried hydroxytryptophan complex?". So anyway, I digress. I called my dentist in the morning and explained that I just wasn't coping. It seems to me that I really need to get help beyond my dentist as I am suffering with this whole issue; it is spilling over into other aspects of my life. I asked for a referral to the orthodontic unit of a hospital as I thought they'd be a good place from which I could get the right sort of help. (That's what the AI chatbot advised, and who am I to argue?). I was told my issue didn't qualify me for a referral. The knockback set in motion the mood colour that would unfold.
On checking my emails, one that immediately stuck out was in relation to a financial loss for which I'd brought a complaint to the ombudsman. I know I have a watertight case and that I provided all the evidence to prove it. I believed my complaint would be upheld; it felt like it was just a formality to wait for the decision to confirm this. The news in the email was not at all what I had expected. I tried to call but was told that the decision was final and no further communication would be entered into. This was the second setback of the morning and did little to lift my mood. I needed to find a source of happiness somewhere, and soon, to get some good news about something or reach spiritual enlightenment! Anything positive would do; I just needed a psychological lift from the downward spiral I was slipping on. I would call a college I'd earmarked and enrol on a course I wanted; that would be a very positive step. I was told I didn't qualify for funding. Despite highlighting that I met the criteria stipulated on their website they presented another requirement that wasn't listed. No matter how much I tried they wouldn't budge.
It's not clear exactly what happened for a short while but it's as if I didn't physically exist in any normal state. My sensations seemed to go into overdrive. The hissing in my ear became very pronounced, my jaw was aching with a vengeance, my body felt as if I'd just come out of a freezer and shoved into an oven, and then back into the freezer. My head felt like it was the size of a Fiat Panda. The vision in my eye became congested with an array of floaters and some lightning flashes. I felt a bit dazed. I don't really know what any of this was. I do get anxiety attacks and sometimes these lead to panic attacks; I had one in Tesco a few days ago which was the result of a particularly debilitating episode of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) which lasted for almost half an hour. But the symptoms I experienced this morning were not the usual ones of anxiety or panic; those attacks have an altogether different set of symptoms. No, today was something else. My best guess is that, whatever it was, it was a culmination of the mental anguish from a relentless sequence of setbacks underscored by pre-existing and newly acquired physical stresses: psychological challenges wrapped in physical pain, discomfort and fatigue.
Early trauma and other emotional challenges set the stage for the development of coping mechanisms throughout life. Traumatic and neglectful events sensitise our reactionary triggers so that our ability to cope is undermined. Inability to cope due to loss of control over a situation leads to more trigger-happy responses that are usually those that work to our greatest disadvantage. Reacting to challenges where behaviour is triggered by the limbic system (the emotional response) without pause for thought (a slower, more meticulous cognitive process of the frontal lobes that came later in the evolutionary timeline) leads to greater anxiety and poor outcomes. The sequence of setbacks I experienced earlier today, on top of the pain and anxiety resulting from TMJ and the heavy fatigue from insomnia, were not within my power to change and the resulting lack of control gave rise to a raft of physiological changes that essentially made me collapse. In layperson's parlance I believe "nervous breakdown" may be a term often used.
My dentist may have felt I don't qualify for a referral, but I know I am really suffering from the dental-related condition and believe I am right in asking for help; I know I provided evidence to the ombudsman that proves the issues of the complaint I brought to them to investigate and so I know they are wrong to disagree in their assessment; I know I meet the funding criteria for the course because I thoroughly checked these before, during and after the call, so I know the adviser was wrong to refuse my enrolment. I just know I am right about all of these things but I cannot come to terms with also knowing that I can't do anything to change anyone's mind on any of them. The lack of control sets in motion a rush of adrenalin and releases other reactionary hormones which fuel feelings of anger and helplessness; there's just no time in the heat of each moment for the cognitive part of the brain to meticulously consider options, outcomes and behaviours: they are already being driven at warp speed by the emotional explosions taking place.
I had no idea what I was going to say as I started writing this blog post. Somehow, though, something has come out of the process of writing it. I've made some sense of what effect today's sequence of events had on me and why. I've also observed that thoughts, feelings and behaviours are mostly shaped by early experiences. They're not already embedded in our deoxyribonucleic acid!
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